My Quest

The quest to be cool to fit in to be The feeling to want to be wanted. I want someone to know me inside and outside to be my other mind.  To know what I'm thinking to make the decision for me.  Low expectations vs no expectations.  That feeling of being laughed at.  

Power

It's funny how it's all our fault. How you can rip everyone to shreds yet we haven't done that to you.  Talking about values and traditions, what tradition? The tradition of you cursing us tearing us up? Or the one where you act like you're the boss of us and we can't move without your word? I can't believe it's come to this. Come to the point of you doing anything and everything to hurt the ones you love. Blaming everyone but the main person for the fall out.  I was raised different but that's not my fault. I suffered the same way but different. I've wished for nothing more then to take your pain away and for God to bless you and make you happy but that's not the way life works, does it? You were there for me I can never take that away but you don't own me. You don't know me. You think you know me because of the blood line we share because of the secrets we've told each other but you don't know me. If your did you would know better.  Talking that shame on everyone mess but shame on you. Shame on you for expecting everyone to follow you like the weak ones that have nothing else in life. Never be a follower be a leader.  I've never turned my back even when you hurt me and didn't care for my feelings nope I stayed around hoping to one day impress you.  And one day I woke up and realized I didn't need your approval. I needed my own approval my own validation. I needed to become me not the idea of me.  Maybe that's what hurts the most the fact that you couldn't except that or the fact that you never believed in me to begin with.  Talking about the now but then talking about the then.  On your power trip flying high but feeling low.

Expectations

You know when you just want someone to get you?! Like to really understand you and not act like they don't know you.  Act like its all good when inside their brains shouldn't they know better? SMH   Why would I be mad right? Why would I be annoyed? Like inside I should know better then to expect things when it's never been like that. To assume makes an ass out of you so guess I'm the Ass

Gone

You ask for it but you don't want my truth.  You want my reigns released so there they go, gone.  You want me to do me where there I go, gone.  I forget who I am but then you remind me and so there she is.  Everything about me revolves around you but there that goes, gone.  Just another mind amongst the other blank ones.  Mine filled with thoughts that I'm trying to erase.   The things I wanna say, gone.  Replaced with what you wanna hear.  My truth isn't the truth you want so that's gone.  My thoughts aren't the ones you want so they're gone too.  Reserved for me and this.  Only place I have.  Only place that doesn't make me feel like I'm not good enough.  The only place that won't tell me to stop. Only place that won't hurt me.  I chose this life and it's a great life.  But with being great comes the downfall of not.  The downfall of yourself.  Only place where my mind isn't angry but free.  It's free to yell and cry and still be ok.  The freedom I can't feel anywhere not even in a place that supposed to be free. Gone gone gone.  Words stop making sense world stops making sense.  

Big Girl Lost

Trying to put my emotions into words is the hardest.  Trying to get anyone to understand what I'm saying could end up in pure confusion.  Trying to be cool when I just wanna scream and cry and run.  Trying to smile beyond the hurt.  Trying to be ok but maybe I'm not.

For The First Time

You say I never write about you, well nothing good at least LOL.  So this my love, is dedicated to you:

Years ago I met you in a classroom, never thinking we could be more then just what we were.  Years go by, we go through life changes, experiencing everything together but seperate. We rediscover ourselves but different then the years passed.  We bring out something untapped from each other.  We learn new things traveling through new eyes and souls.  You have been there for me in ways I never thought imaginable.  I want to write a dedication to you daily but it's too much from my soul. The love I have for you is the scariest thing I've ever felt.  This feeling of being so complete is so frightening. I don't know if I can ever be enough because to me you're just everything.  You're everything I dreamed of without ever dreaming.  Your love is what touches my soul, deep inside of me, discovering things I never knew.  You're like this creation made just for me. You fit me like we are a human puzzle.  I can't feel empty because whatever I'm missing you give me.  This life we have this love we have everything we have created has been formed from us, together.  Even when there is bad there is always good to match it. We can't be perfect we can't be fake we can't be anything other then being US. Two people created to eventually meet and to take over the world, pinky and the brain style.  You're my safe place, when everything is wrong you're right.  I can curl up into you and know that it's gonna be ok.  Tomorrow will be a new better day because I have you.  Everyday will be a better day because I have you.  And as the great Jon Legend says "It's like I can feel, it's like I can breathe It's like I can live, it's like I can love

For the first time.

Love you Forever JaeBear

Touch

Don't touch, don't grab, don't look just sit there silent.