My Quest

The quest to be cool to fit in to be The feeling to want to be wanted. I want someone to know me inside and outside to be my other mind.  To know what I'm thinking to make the decision for me.  Low expectations vs no expectations.  That feeling of being laughed at.  

Power

It's funny how it's all our fault. How you can rip everyone to shreds yet we haven't done that to you.  Talking about values and traditions, what tradition? The tradition of you cursing us tearing us up? Or the one where you act like you're the boss of us and we can't move without your word? I can't believe it's come to this. Come to the point of you doing anything and everything to hurt the ones you love. Blaming everyone but the main person for the fall out.  I was raised different but that's not my fault. I suffered the same way but different. I've wished for nothing more then to take your pain away and for God to bless you and make you happy but that's not the way life works, does it? You were there for me I can never take that away but you don't own me. You don't know me. You think you know me because of the blood line we share because of the secrets we've told each other but you don't know me. If your did you would know better.  Talking that shame on everyone mess but shame on you. Shame on you for expecting everyone to follow you like the weak ones that have nothing else in life. Never be a follower be a leader.  I've never turned my back even when you hurt me and didn't care for my feelings nope I stayed around hoping to one day impress you.  And one day I woke up and realized I didn't need your approval. I needed my own approval my own validation. I needed to become me not the idea of me.  Maybe that's what hurts the most the fact that you couldn't except that or the fact that you never believed in me to begin with.  Talking about the now but then talking about the then.  On your power trip flying high but feeling low.

Expectations

You know when you just want someone to get you?! Like to really understand you and not act like they don't know you.  Act like its all good when inside their brains shouldn't they know better? SMH   Why would I be mad right? Why would I be annoyed? Like inside I should know better then to expect things when it's never been like that. To assume makes an ass out of you so guess I'm the Ass

Gone

You ask for it but you don't want my truth.  You want my reigns released so there they go, gone.  You want me to do me where there I go, gone.  I forget who I am but then you remind me and so there she is.  Everything about me revolves around you but there that goes, gone.  Just another mind amongst the other blank ones.  Mine filled with thoughts that I'm trying to erase.   The things I wanna say, gone.  Replaced with what you wanna hear.  My truth isn't the truth you want so that's gone.  My thoughts aren't the ones you want so they're gone too.  Reserved for me and this.  Only place I have.  Only place that doesn't make me feel like I'm not good enough.  The only place that won't tell me to stop. Only place that won't hurt me.  I chose this life and it's a great life.  But with being great comes the downfall of not.  The downfall of yourself.  Only place where my mind isn't angry but free.  It's free to yell and cry and still be ok.  The freedom I can't feel anywhere not even in a place that supposed to be free. Gone gone gone.  Words stop making sense world stops making sense.  

Big Girl Lost

Trying to put my emotions into words is the hardest.  Trying to get anyone to understand what I'm saying could end up in pure confusion.  Trying to be cool when I just wanna scream and cry and run.  Trying to smile beyond the hurt.  Trying to be ok but maybe I'm not.

For The First Time

You say I never write about you, well nothing good at least LOL.  So this my love, is dedicated to you:

Years ago I met you in a classroom, never thinking we could be more then just what we were.  Years go by, we go through life changes, experiencing everything together but seperate. We rediscover ourselves but different then the years passed.  We bring out something untapped from each other.  We learn new things traveling through new eyes and souls.  You have been there for me in ways I never thought imaginable.  I want to write a dedication to you daily but it's too much from my soul. The love I have for you is the scariest thing I've ever felt.  This feeling of being so complete is so frightening. I don't know if I can ever be enough because to me you're just everything.  You're everything I dreamed of without ever dreaming.  Your love is what touches my soul, deep inside of me, discovering things I never knew.  You're like this creation made just for me. You fit me like we are a human puzzle.  I can't feel empty because whatever I'm missing you give me.  This life we have this love we have everything we have created has been formed from us, together.  Even when there is bad there is always good to match it. We can't be perfect we can't be fake we can't be anything other then being US. Two people created to eventually meet and to take over the world, pinky and the brain style.  You're my safe place, when everything is wrong you're right.  I can curl up into you and know that it's gonna be ok.  Tomorrow will be a new better day because I have you.  Everyday will be a better day because I have you.  And as the great Jon Legend says "It's like I can feel, it's like I can breathe It's like I can live, it's like I can love

For the first time.

Love you Forever JaeBear

Touch

Don't touch, don't grab, don't look just sit there silent. 

Social Networks

What leads your life, what gives you your definition of people's lives. What makes you tough, what breaks you.  The place that you judge but preach don't judge others.  The biggest gimmick is the one we give trying to be real and original.  What makes this world amazing is that we are all different what makes the world hard is that we don't accept us all being different.

Ideals

I've never been the ideal, the ideal person  the ideal teammate the ideal woman

Run

You ever wanna just run, like just race to the end of no return.  Go away and never  come back never look back.  Take what's on you and go.  How selfish can you be? That's me.  Selfish.  Caring but not caring at all.  Telling myself run so that you know you tried.  Run because you see the future beyond what everyone thinks they see.   

Broken

When you believe in someone so much that in your eyes even the air they breathe is amazing.  That feeling like you're always up in the clouds but then it rains and that feeling goes away. Like a lighting strike, quick and powerful and then it's over.  So broken.  So sad.  Feeling stuck and empty.  The fact that you can't understand what you've done wrong hurts me the most.  The fact that you think a hug and a smile makes it better. Like the memory gets erased. The rules can't work for this. They don't apply. This is forever. Broken. 

Wonder

"A feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected".

Things I try to do.  Things I try to get you to notice.  Everything I do I do for you to see.  Yet I can't help but feel like it doesn't even work. Coming out of my comfort zone to be "sexy" can't compete with the sexy of it.  How stupid to compare oneself to it.  How dumb do I feel?  But you notice it yet me I'm just well "dramatic".  Just another description of myself that I can't even fight because well what's the point?  I even try to just sit back and stay quiet wondering if that will be better but then I'm again labeled with having an "attitude".  East west north south doesn't matter because they all lead to what's wrong with myself. Maybe that's why you love it.  The fact that it's perfect for you, quiet and non dramatic.  Looking at it takes you to sometimes a familiar world yet other times take you to a fantasy land.  Maybe you want the fantasy because it's better then the reality.  I watch you stare at it stroking it looking through it. Me like a puppy begging for that same contact. You never believing my complaints yet maybe if I put them on it they would make sense.  This is the world we love in where it takes precedence over everything else that really matters.  I write this on it, but my it is different from yours because I like my reality love my reality I can go without it. Wonder.

Reflection

2013 is a few hours away from being over. New year new me huh?! I turn 34 this year and the thoughts running rapid through my mind. What do I do where do I go? Is that next step looming over me like a storm cloud? One way to go is to stay the same, if it ain't broke, don't fix it right?! Or do I go the usual route, the familiar route? The route towards family towards creating a life, together. I wake up daily with these thoughts. Trying to stay true to myself but not knowing who I want to be. If I don't want children, don't believe in it then what's next? Do I lose him? Will he want that same life? Is love enough for just the two of us? 

What you Say VS. How I feel

You ever just feel like whatever you say or do is wrong.  Like you're the still the kid that always gets ignored, the one that nobody likes.  You just wanna hide out with your thoughts so that nobody hears them.  Nobody can judge you and make you feel bad.  Trying to explain your thoughts makes everything worse cuz nobody understands like you understand yourself. You put on your bullet proof feelings vest to protect yourself against the venomous words being shot at you. 

Alone

You ever feel so alone even your thoughts are quiet? When no matter who's around you just see four walls enclosing you in a room.  The silence is deafening making the tears run effortlessly. 

The Chill

The moment when you go from hot to cold. From love to something different something with a chill. While you have your moment your silence explains. Quiet but saying it all. Happy yet empty.  When I speak the words they make no sense. Just gibberish because I'm imagining it. I'm imagining the cold the frost the chill. The silence isn't real and there is no moment. It's all in my mind. That's the truth. But why then am I still quivering? 

The Curve

So I asked you about it and you said nothing.  I know when you lie or aren't telling me something don't you know that by now? Asked me not to be like everyone else I did it and now I feel that familiar craziness creeping up on me.  The Lil person in my head telling me get your answers, look at the thread.  Except the thread is halfway, a reply with no question.  The cleanup and recovery there.  And I looked and I found.  And now I feel hollow because the one I trusted isn't the one I can trust.  Even the hurtful truth is better then the bullshit lie.  Never ever have I curved you, always telling you straight about the bullshit people say, yet the truth is there isn't it.  That bitter metallic taste in my mouth laced with curses and hate and Puerto Rican fury.  The rage I haven't felt in so long, have buried for a better person to become human, to become what you wanted.  And yet you lie, a tiny white lie nonetheless, but a lie and it hurts it stings because I thought I was the coolest to you.  I thought we were friends before anything able to tell each other the "realness" able to talk and not be bias.  I thought you knew that I hate fakes, people laughing at me.  I thought you knew what could break me, guess you didn't .  I feel the hurt more then the anger, hurt because I saw your words, angry because you made me do it.  Your vague answers and faces while your fingers tap away, gliding over the keyboard with laughter in your eyes.  Make me second guess everything I do or say.  Got me trying to perfect and cool.  Another daily reminder to fallback, another "don't do, act, or say" to my list.  Crazy shit is I can make this a war but you would only laugh at me turn it around on me, use it against me.  Turn it into a holy unholy war of words and insults and accusations.  Going against everything you claim, bringing out the demon between us.  Yea we doing "whatchamacallit" and going ummmmm, ummmmmm with the eyes saying the answers.  Your vagueness and "lack of memory" is quite useful in these situations.  Ummmmm I don't remember what I said ummmmmm why you mad? "Oh I see you just like them like the crazy ones", yea nigga I bleed once a month too like them, can't all be different.  But the major difference is I always tell you the deal I don't make fun of you I don't tell anyone to ignore you.  Change is upon us, not a bad thing but a rather a necessary thing.  

The Other Guy

The other guy is so mean and cold.  Stands stiff like a solider.  Gives you the mean eye. Doesn't give a fuck. Hurts you with his coldness.  Clouds over your head. Hurt deep within. 

The Fear

The fear of not knowing what's next. The fear of not knowing what you want. The fear of losing it all because of what you want. The fear of trying to make everyone happy and failing. The fear that makes you shake from within. The fear that you can never make it right.

Shutting Up

So its been a proven fact that talking makes shit worse. Silence has never been as golden as it is right now. No longer will I tell people the truth about them since it always makes me look bad no matter what. You tell me to talk and you will listen but you're a liar. You only wanna hear me when it's not about you. You don't want your own inconvenient truth but loves every ones else's. You can speak the truth about me with no problem and I can't disagree with your thoughts about me means that well that just must be the truth. You call me out on all my faults with no problem but don't like it in return. In the end of the day as a human race we're on the same in the aspect that we're all full of shit. We all talk a good game but in the end of the day that game is only good when it's about other people. My silence will speak volumes. My silence will hurt you more then my words ever will or could only because my silence gives you time to think about your lies and your wrong doing. I will shut the fuck up give you your break. Give up on myself because that means making you happy. My silence is golden watch it break you.