Reflection

2013 is a few hours away from being over. New year new me huh?! I turn 34 this year and the thoughts running rapid through my mind. What do I do where do I go? Is that next step looming over me like a storm cloud? One way to go is to stay the same, if it ain't broke, don't fix it right?! Or do I go the usual route, the familiar route? The route towards family towards creating a life, together. I wake up daily with these thoughts. Trying to stay true to myself but not knowing who I want to be. If I don't want children, don't believe in it then what's next? Do I lose him? Will he want that same life? Is love enough for just the two of us? 

What you Say VS. How I feel

You ever just feel like whatever you say or do is wrong.  Like you're the still the kid that always gets ignored, the one that nobody likes.  You just wanna hide out with your thoughts so that nobody hears them.  Nobody can judge you and make you feel bad.  Trying to explain your thoughts makes everything worse cuz nobody understands like you understand yourself. You put on your bullet proof feelings vest to protect yourself against the venomous words being shot at you. 

Alone

You ever feel so alone even your thoughts are quiet? When no matter who's around you just see four walls enclosing you in a room.  The silence is deafening making the tears run effortlessly. 

The Chill

The moment when you go from hot to cold. From love to something different something with a chill. While you have your moment your silence explains. Quiet but saying it all. Happy yet empty.  When I speak the words they make no sense. Just gibberish because I'm imagining it. I'm imagining the cold the frost the chill. The silence isn't real and there is no moment. It's all in my mind. That's the truth. But why then am I still quivering? 

The Curve

So I asked you about it and you said nothing.  I know when you lie or aren't telling me something don't you know that by now? Asked me not to be like everyone else I did it and now I feel that familiar craziness creeping up on me.  The Lil person in my head telling me get your answers, look at the thread.  Except the thread is halfway, a reply with no question.  The cleanup and recovery there.  And I looked and I found.  And now I feel hollow because the one I trusted isn't the one I can trust.  Even the hurtful truth is better then the bullshit lie.  Never ever have I curved you, always telling you straight about the bullshit people say, yet the truth is there isn't it.  That bitter metallic taste in my mouth laced with curses and hate and Puerto Rican fury.  The rage I haven't felt in so long, have buried for a better person to become human, to become what you wanted.  And yet you lie, a tiny white lie nonetheless, but a lie and it hurts it stings because I thought I was the coolest to you.  I thought we were friends before anything able to tell each other the "realness" able to talk and not be bias.  I thought you knew that I hate fakes, people laughing at me.  I thought you knew what could break me, guess you didn't .  I feel the hurt more then the anger, hurt because I saw your words, angry because you made me do it.  Your vague answers and faces while your fingers tap away, gliding over the keyboard with laughter in your eyes.  Make me second guess everything I do or say.  Got me trying to perfect and cool.  Another daily reminder to fallback, another "don't do, act, or say" to my list.  Crazy shit is I can make this a war but you would only laugh at me turn it around on me, use it against me.  Turn it into a holy unholy war of words and insults and accusations.  Going against everything you claim, bringing out the demon between us.  Yea we doing "whatchamacallit" and going ummmmm, ummmmmm with the eyes saying the answers.  Your vagueness and "lack of memory" is quite useful in these situations.  Ummmmm I don't remember what I said ummmmmm why you mad? "Oh I see you just like them like the crazy ones", yea nigga I bleed once a month too like them, can't all be different.  But the major difference is I always tell you the deal I don't make fun of you I don't tell anyone to ignore you.  Change is upon us, not a bad thing but a rather a necessary thing.  

The Other Guy

The other guy is so mean and cold.  Stands stiff like a solider.  Gives you the mean eye. Doesn't give a fuck. Hurts you with his coldness.  Clouds over your head. Hurt deep within. 

The Fear

The fear of not knowing what's next. The fear of not knowing what you want. The fear of losing it all because of what you want. The fear of trying to make everyone happy and failing. The fear that makes you shake from within. The fear that you can never make it right.