Have you met.....

_______is this really awesome guy. He doesn't even know how great he is. Knowing him is like being rich cause his friendship and love means that much. I need not to mention his name because he should know who he is. His talent is never ending and the real and true woman that gets him is the luckiest. He is awesome and funny and silly and crazy and the list could go on and on. He's the brother I never had the son I hope to one day have and the coolest fucking person I know._________I LOVEYA....thing #2 ;)

Thank You

You came into my life eleven years ago we were so young. We never thought this would happen. We stayed friends, still saying never. We talked and I learned so much about you and your life. Remember when I used to "read you". Searching for Blimpies in the City. Being so carefree, that first awkward time, seeing who you truly were, seeing your emotions when you saw I was hurt. We, I, never thought this would be this could happen. We were friends, we talked about dirty things, we trusted each other, and then I truly met you, met the real Jason, the one that no one knows. You showed me what it is to be real to be honest. You showed me how to love with no limits. I thank you for dealing with me because I know I'm crazy! I thank you because you love me for being crazy. You are the person I have wanted my whole life, that puzzle piece I always thought would never be found. You allowed me to be a fuck up for a little while and you still picked me up, you love me when I'm ugly you love me when I'm angry you love me when I'm crazy and I love you because you love all of me, all my ADD all my OCD all my different personalities, you laugh with me and at me but not in a bad way. You don't hate me for not being a true Spaniard ;). You don't butcher my lack of culinary skills. You embrace me and help me get better. You are My knight my greatest gift. You are my love my life my eternity. I LOVEYA JaeBear and I Thank You because you fucking ROCK. Happy 1St NEW Year's MR. Martinez!

Daddy

You were so funny when I was little. Doing your dancing around the house, always making me laugh. I never realized the truth until I was older, realized why you were so fun. I never got to know you like I should have. Never had that father daughter talk where you told me all about your life, how you met mom, how you felt about having all girls. I was your penguina but how much did we know about each other? When I showed up with a black eye you asked me what I did wrong? You knew nothing about me yet you did. I think you never got used to having all girls maybe that's why you always took the man's side. You were always there for me but mom raised me and I'm sorry. I never tried because all I did was blame you because that's all I knew. You tried so hard to please us all and Daddy I love you so much because I know deep down you loved us so ferociously. You were such a fun spirit. You were who you were and you taught us so much. You battled addiction and it caught up to you and took you too fast from us. I wanna scream it's not fair but I know that this is life and life is fucked up. Daddy you are always in my heart and I'm so sorry for never truly loving you as much as you loved me. I miss you much. The visits to my job every Tuesday and Friday, your air horn honking at me as you passed me by. Calling me dummy in front of my patients, making fun of me, I miss it all and if I could go back, I swear I would learn every single thing about you. I love you Daddy, Happy New Year....

Clouds

I have dreams and aspirations but this cloud of smoke keeps me from doing so much. I make promises I know I can't keep. I'm tired so tired, addiction is crazy. I quit smoking one thing to start another. Addiction I guess hits this family in all different sorts of ways. I'm ready to quit this, I can't anymore, this cloud following me. I sit up at night thinking and wishing I could be a better person. Thinking of things that will never come true. I know I can make so much happen but first I have to do what I always do and that's change, but this change is for a good reason. I don't want this cloud I don't want to be that girl that wife. My mind is my best and worst friend. It craves it then curses it. The worse of two evils making me spiral down until I get up again. Waste of time losing my mind my thoughts get jumbled...cloud surfing was my thing until I realized that I could never come down....

The Big Question?

So at 29 years old, I'm apparently going to be an "old mother" because I don't have kids yet. I finished high school, got through my associates and got married BUT that's not enough because I'm not a mother. Because I choose to do things the right way, I'm not accepted in some circles. Because me and him can get up and go and live life like we want, it's that we're crazy. YET I look at some of my friends and the hardships they have and I know deep inside that I'm not selfish for not wanting to be like them. I had my chance to be a mother at 19 but I wasn't ready and I had a whole family ready and willing to support me BUT I couldn't do it and to this day I never regret it. I wouldn't be where I am today and I'm blessed to be where I am. A child to me does not mean true and utter fulfillment,it doesn't make me whole. Not just yet. We enjoy this and when we're ready we will be able to give that child everything he/she needs, hopefully...

The Past Is Where It Should Be

They call it the past because that's what it should be. Some things are made to be remembered forever but some are meant to be forgotten. I don't want to carry it anymore, I wanna be able to let it go be free. Fly like a bird screaming take me away, happiness awaits my future. Letting it all go can dictate what's next. The past is what makes me, you, and the next BUT it can't tell us what or who we're going to be. Le it be where it is let it go let it fly......

My Skin

I've never been comfortable in my own skin. I look at how other people look and wanna look like them so maybe I can share their happiness. Those shoes will make me cool and that outfit will make me wanted. Always trying to be different but also the same. I could never afford the better parts of life but then again I never wanted to either. Or maybe I did just because I so badly wanted to fit in. Growing up as the baby is never EASY. Yes you may get spoiled but you also get alot of crap. I was never made to fit in because I was different, somehow someway I was. As a child in the Bronx, my family kept me sheltered, I was never exposed to the grimy truth, was ignorant you could say. Once I moved down south I couldn't fit in there either, once again trying to change to adapt to fit in. Again never right always different. Came back to NY and faced the same hardship. Change Change CHANGE has always been with me. I hate to be like this because I know now people truly like me BUT at the same time I always ask, but do they? In going into this new year saying My Skin is what makes me, well me. I am different and now I have to learn to embrace it. I don't want to conform to what society wants, I like being different. My skin may not be for everybody but it's for me and it's the best kind of different to be...