Have you met.....

_______is this really awesome guy. He doesn't even know how great he is. Knowing him is like being rich cause his friendship and love means that much. I need not to mention his name because he should know who he is. His talent is never ending and the real and true woman that gets him is the luckiest. He is awesome and funny and silly and crazy and the list could go on and on. He's the brother I never had the son I hope to one day have and the coolest fucking person I know._________I LOVEYA....thing #2 ;)

Thank You

You came into my life eleven years ago we were so young. We never thought this would happen. We stayed friends, still saying never. We talked and I learned so much about you and your life. Remember when I used to "read you". Searching for Blimpies in the City. Being so carefree, that first awkward time, seeing who you truly were, seeing your emotions when you saw I was hurt. We, I, never thought this would be this could happen. We were friends, we talked about dirty things, we trusted each other, and then I truly met you, met the real Jason, the one that no one knows. You showed me what it is to be real to be honest. You showed me how to love with no limits. I thank you for dealing with me because I know I'm crazy! I thank you because you love me for being crazy. You are the person I have wanted my whole life, that puzzle piece I always thought would never be found. You allowed me to be a fuck up for a little while and you still picked me up, you love me when I'm ugly you love me when I'm angry you love me when I'm crazy and I love you because you love all of me, all my ADD all my OCD all my different personalities, you laugh with me and at me but not in a bad way. You don't hate me for not being a true Spaniard ;). You don't butcher my lack of culinary skills. You embrace me and help me get better. You are My knight my greatest gift. You are my love my life my eternity. I LOVEYA JaeBear and I Thank You because you fucking ROCK. Happy 1St NEW Year's MR. Martinez!

Daddy

You were so funny when I was little. Doing your dancing around the house, always making me laugh. I never realized the truth until I was older, realized why you were so fun. I never got to know you like I should have. Never had that father daughter talk where you told me all about your life, how you met mom, how you felt about having all girls. I was your penguina but how much did we know about each other? When I showed up with a black eye you asked me what I did wrong? You knew nothing about me yet you did. I think you never got used to having all girls maybe that's why you always took the man's side. You were always there for me but mom raised me and I'm sorry. I never tried because all I did was blame you because that's all I knew. You tried so hard to please us all and Daddy I love you so much because I know deep down you loved us so ferociously. You were such a fun spirit. You were who you were and you taught us so much. You battled addiction and it caught up to you and took you too fast from us. I wanna scream it's not fair but I know that this is life and life is fucked up. Daddy you are always in my heart and I'm so sorry for never truly loving you as much as you loved me. I miss you much. The visits to my job every Tuesday and Friday, your air horn honking at me as you passed me by. Calling me dummy in front of my patients, making fun of me, I miss it all and if I could go back, I swear I would learn every single thing about you. I love you Daddy, Happy New Year....

Clouds

I have dreams and aspirations but this cloud of smoke keeps me from doing so much. I make promises I know I can't keep. I'm tired so tired, addiction is crazy. I quit smoking one thing to start another. Addiction I guess hits this family in all different sorts of ways. I'm ready to quit this, I can't anymore, this cloud following me. I sit up at night thinking and wishing I could be a better person. Thinking of things that will never come true. I know I can make so much happen but first I have to do what I always do and that's change, but this change is for a good reason. I don't want this cloud I don't want to be that girl that wife. My mind is my best and worst friend. It craves it then curses it. The worse of two evils making me spiral down until I get up again. Waste of time losing my mind my thoughts get jumbled...cloud surfing was my thing until I realized that I could never come down....

The Big Question?

So at 29 years old, I'm apparently going to be an "old mother" because I don't have kids yet. I finished high school, got through my associates and got married BUT that's not enough because I'm not a mother. Because I choose to do things the right way, I'm not accepted in some circles. Because me and him can get up and go and live life like we want, it's that we're crazy. YET I look at some of my friends and the hardships they have and I know deep inside that I'm not selfish for not wanting to be like them. I had my chance to be a mother at 19 but I wasn't ready and I had a whole family ready and willing to support me BUT I couldn't do it and to this day I never regret it. I wouldn't be where I am today and I'm blessed to be where I am. A child to me does not mean true and utter fulfillment,it doesn't make me whole. Not just yet. We enjoy this and when we're ready we will be able to give that child everything he/she needs, hopefully...

The Past Is Where It Should Be

They call it the past because that's what it should be. Some things are made to be remembered forever but some are meant to be forgotten. I don't want to carry it anymore, I wanna be able to let it go be free. Fly like a bird screaming take me away, happiness awaits my future. Letting it all go can dictate what's next. The past is what makes me, you, and the next BUT it can't tell us what or who we're going to be. Le it be where it is let it go let it fly......

My Skin

I've never been comfortable in my own skin. I look at how other people look and wanna look like them so maybe I can share their happiness. Those shoes will make me cool and that outfit will make me wanted. Always trying to be different but also the same. I could never afford the better parts of life but then again I never wanted to either. Or maybe I did just because I so badly wanted to fit in. Growing up as the baby is never EASY. Yes you may get spoiled but you also get alot of crap. I was never made to fit in because I was different, somehow someway I was. As a child in the Bronx, my family kept me sheltered, I was never exposed to the grimy truth, was ignorant you could say. Once I moved down south I couldn't fit in there either, once again trying to change to adapt to fit in. Again never right always different. Came back to NY and faced the same hardship. Change Change CHANGE has always been with me. I hate to be like this because I know now people truly like me BUT at the same time I always ask, but do they? In going into this new year saying My Skin is what makes me, well me. I am different and now I have to learn to embrace it. I don't want to conform to what society wants, I like being different. My skin may not be for everybody but it's for me and it's the best kind of different to be...

Doom

This week a 15 year old girl was shot in the head. The bullet exploded leaving her in a medically induced coma. Was she in a fight, was she doing something wrong? The only thing she is guilty of was trying to survive in a world of doom. She was caught in crossfire, hit with a bullet that was for someone else. This gunfight happened during after school hours. Kids were everywhere when a bunch of idiots decided it was time for a gunfight. She may never regain her full sense of self, she may lose everything she has ever learned. She might have to be treated like a baby until she can learn all over again. Fifteen, probably thinking about boys gossiping with her friends and now she has lost it all. With losing a part of her life who's knows the people she might lose as well. Yes now she is surrounded by the power of love and prayer BUT what happens once she gets better. She might not have the huge circle following her, just another story of the doom that happens in NYC.
She lives in the South Bronx, an area known for its criminal activity. Kids are carrying guns and being thugs before they even leave junior high and that's only if they even make it through that. Everyone wants to be a thug these days and prove that they are "the man". They want to fit in with the misfits that they think will have their back. The ones they think will visit them in jail after they get twenty to life for killing or assault or whatever other bullshit they have done. Live by the gun die by the gun is a saying I've often heard. What does it mean? Does it mean because you are born into a world of crime you might succumb to it? It's a shame, it really is. I know it's no excuse to not have children BUT it makes you scared to bring them into a world like this.
When that poor girl went to school that morning I highly doubt her mother expected what happened. What it must feel like to receive that phone call, to see her lifeless body? The pain and anguish she must feel and the steps she has to take next to make sure her daughter will survive.
I thought this story was horrifying enough UNTIL I read that the shooter, who has since confessed, is only SIXTEEN. He is just a teenager with a baby face and killer mentality. He wanted to settle a riff that his OLDER brother had in jail. He wanted to show his brother I guess that he could handle the "business". Well he handled it all right by now landing himself in jail and now him and his brother can really be together. Sixteen and he has ended whatever life he would've had. He let himself fall into the doom and grime of this city. He allowed the city to take over him. His heart his soul his mind. The city allowed him to fall, his parents allowed him to fail, and his brother encouraged him to do wrong. Three strikes against him and now it's done.
Fifteen year old victim sixteen year old murderer. Once strangers now forever bonded by the Doom.

Family

If you could choose your family, would you? Would that create total happiness? Imagine this world where once you're born, people have an option of choosing you. I mean would that make anything easier? We can't be satisfied and if we could, it wouldn't make anything at all better. Family is what makes you become who you are. They help in building you and teaching you and then most importantly letting you go. If they can't let you go they might really lose you and never get you back. Family is the back bone for the generation. You're born into one and then you have your own one and then it just continues. We can't choose our family but if I could I wouldn't because then I wouldn't be ME.

Reality TV

The war of the TV!! I used to love Thursday night because it had all the good shows. This was before "reality" TV took over all programming. The only "real" show I watched was The Real World. Then came the onslaught of "dating" on TV. How can you find love in a month? How can you expose yourself on these shows and then get mad for being called names? I can't STAND this BUT I also can't stop watching. Watching with an obsession into these lives of these people who don't want it aired out! Confusing I KNOW!! Every time another show comes out, I say NO BUT then I wind up fixated. Watching these women on these dating shows are the best. On For the Love of RayJ, one girl (Extra) says oh the bible this and the bible that YET she does a stripper split to show what she can contribute to a relationship!??!! I didn't know they taught you that in Sunday school!! i must have missed that lesson. All these "women" claim to have this education and this kind of life YET they are half dressed all trying to make out with the same person, which if he is making out with everyone doesn't that mean everyone is making out with each other?? It's a partially clothed orgy on Cable TV @11am or 9pm. AWESOME!! I watch the worst of the worst which means anything on VH1 or BET! They really just air it all. I mean wtf is up with a show called Tool Academy where you are not the 'biggest tool" HUH??!!?? And then I saw the kinds of men that were on the show. The girlfriends crying because the men are out of control BUT yet they accept these men for all they do wrong. Don't cry over what you allow to happen!! You go on these shows and constantly cry and complain and accept the BS, so therefore you deserve the BS right back. Frankie and Neffe have a show because Keisha Cole introduced them to this life. How does Keisha feel now? Seeing her mom acting like a hot ghetto mess must make her say shit I think i created a monster??!! Carrying on like a fool after all her daughter has done for her. And she (the mother) isn't just on that show but recently she was on a court show as well. Again acting like a fool. How does that better your daughter's career being that she is the one that made the life for you. BTW has anyone even heard anything good about Keisha lately, makes you wonder. On I wanna Work for Diddy, some dude was able to get drunk and make a comment saying he doesn't hang out with black people HELLO did you notice that Diddy was BLACK!!?? And then he proceeded to call a women a stripper BUT she slapped his ass down BY saying yes I was a stripper BUT I got a FULL education and provide solo for my child so WTF??!!? TOMA gave it to him and he was fired! AWESOME...BUT makes you wonder is there a screening process? Because this dude was crazy!! But these cable networks want and need the ratings. VH1 had Meghan wants to a millionaire or something stupid like that and in their rush to air the show, they put a soon to be murderer on as a contestant. He wouldn't win that SHOW BUT he allegedly went on to win another show. A show that could not be aired because he KILLED his wife!! Now like I said I can't avoid these shows because other people's anguish always makes for good TV!! It makes for great conversations as well because we strive to become better people. And as a Hispanic women I feel like i fight for double respect BUT then when I'm brought down and wonder why, i just turn on my TV and see why. You got women subjecting themselves to all types of stuff and the companies film it and these people get their 15 seconds of fame and all is well! Well is all well? Till next week and my next rant......

Is it Wrong?

Is it wrong to really give a shit about people. I've always cared just a little too much. And I always get in trouble for it LOL how do I get into trouble at 29??!!?? Well life is what it is i guess.
This has been a trying year for me and i don't expect a pat on the back but sheesh I don't expect to get dismissed either. I don't want to be this angry person or even sad. I wish life could go back to where it was before April. We loved each other we hated each other but we were all we had. No we lost a piece of our puzzle and it seems that we can't have the puzzle together w/o that piece. God you know what to expect with life. There is LIFE and then there is DEATH no changes. I wish it was easier I wish I could take away all the pain. I can't, that's not my superpower. I wish it was. I wish I could go around with a wand and just bless everyone with a life without any pain or harm. Would we be happy then?? Would we love one another without judgement without hate? Is it wrong for me to stop caring? Who do I support in the War of the Worlds? Is it Wrong? What's right?